PARTING OF A SUMMER’S WEB

     

          Jed Hansen was surprised at what he discovered that cold November morning while he was walk­ing in a heavily wooded area along the Beaver River in the Roosevelt National Forest. It was a spider's web, still sus­pended between now barren twigs that had lost their leaves weeks before. He couldn't see the spider, but the web was intact even though it was heavi­ly laden with drops of mois­ture. This was a very well-constructed web, tied in a myriad of points to branches of a small bush. The structure was at least three feet in diameter. A slight breeze was blowing, influencing the web to move gently. While it did, the web's water droplets glistened and sparkled in the sun like they were meant to draw his attention, or the attention of a small insect crawling along or flying nearby. The spider seemed to have tied things up for the winter and left. While Jed observed the web he was certain that this late in the season the web would soon be gone as winter winds and the snow soon takes its toll. The scene reminded him of a time in his life many years before.

         It was another cold November morn­ing. The day was to be the begin­ning of the end of a short, but exciting and tragic period of his life. Jed’s companion and he had just awak­ened that early Sunday morn­ing, but were both still lying in bed. She had rolled over next to him and placed her arm over his shoulder. He could feel her bare breasts against his back and was com­forted and mildly aroused by it. He felt like turning over toward her, but he didn't when she immedi­ately began to speak to him. This is what she said . . .

"I've decided I need to return to my home in Salem, Jed. I've been thinking about this for several weeks and know that if I don't make that break soon, both of us are going to be so unhap­py that life will be just too miserable to bear. The time I plan to leave is about the last of March. The lease on the house that I own there will be up and I have already written my tenants with a request that they find another place to live. As it turns out, they were not going to renew the lease anyway. I'm leaving because I know I am not able to fill your needs for a compan­ion and I also know I never could. Despite the fact that I have grown a great deal by being with you these past months and have learned to love you dearly, I just can't stay any longer. I also feel that no matter how hard we work at it, our relationship will never work out and we will both even­tually become wretched and unhappy."

         Jed didn't respond immediately to his dear friend’s statement. Rather, for some strange reason the visual picture of the spider's web he had seen some years back came into his mind. He could only think of how his strings of life, like a spider's web swaying calmly, shifting with the wind of time had just been severed by the ending of the season. While he lay there silent in his pain he felt his heart beating faster and a lump forming in his throat. He tried to force out some words, but couldn't. Finally he rolled over toward her. He could see her now in the filtered light coming though the drapes. She was cry­ing, and Jed began to cry with her. He had no words to express how he felt so they simply remained there in silence until morning’s full light was on them.

         Jed saw this woman for the first time almost two years earlier. He didn’t know her, but believed she was new to the singing group of which he was a member. He was sitting in the Tenor Section of the large ensemble when she came in looked around like she was trying to recognize someone and then took a seat in the Alto Section just in front of the Tenors. An overhead light was shining just above the woman’s head causing her hair to shine like it had just been washed and combed. At first he could see her back; he couldn’t really tell much about the woman until she got up during the mid-practice break.

         Jed had been living with a roommate, another male colleague, for some time in Jeddah City working as a Consultant to the Minister of Planning. His strings of life were swaying randomly like the desert winds he had become used to after more than a year that he was in this Arabia. His feelings and his life had been shifted much like the winds that rose or became calm again in this desert place. Like a benevolent spider Jed was ever hoping to catch a passerby and was always alert to notice any change in his perspective and to latch onto an arbitrary "someone" passing on her way. While he was living on the west side of the city in the first place he was assigned to live he had met a woman, Doris, and had become good friends with her, but that relationship had lasted only a few months when Doris met and began dating a fellow she was working with who was much younger than Jed, and more her own age.

         When Jed watched this woman getting up when the break time was called that night, her pres­ence alerted him and he was unable to free himself from her attraction. She met all of his implicit criteria for a woman in his life. She was tall, and very attractive and seemed to be about his age. Obviously by her presence in this country they had some­thing in common. Since she came in alone, he assumed she must be single. Jed watched her when she looked around the group like she was hoping to see someone she knew. She final­ly did and was greeted by a woman that was in Soprano Section of the chorus on the far side of the room. Jed knew this woman to be one of the old-timers he had seen in this place many times before. But he was certain this new attraction of his was her first time to be in this musical group.

         Jed didn't attempt to meet the woman during the evening, but throughout the following week he could­n't get her off his mind. His aim was mighty. He planned and rehearsed how he would meet her during the break on my next prac­tice. He imag­ined himself looking for that moment to capture this woman and bring her into his life, and to draw her into his realm somehow. It was odd how he calculated to find her in the crowd, approach her with some reason to talk, find out all he could about her. It was his major aim to determine if there was a po­tential for a relation­ship with her.

          Jed rarely missed coming to the old Lodge Hotel where the group met each week. But the next week he planned to come a little early. He was anxious and hopeful that she would be there again. Coming early created a problem for him because he usually picked up three or four women that worked at the various hospitals and clinics around town who did not have rides. But with a few calls to arrange an earlier pickup he did manage to get there early. This woman he hoped would be there came in a little late that eve­ning, escort­ed by a man he had never seen at the hotel. Jed was incensed when it ap­peared they knew each other quite well. He wondered, Is this man her husband? Did she have rings on? No. Was he her boyfriend? He had to find out.

         All through the first half hour after she arrived Jed agonized how he might go through with his well-defined plan to meet this woman and find out her status. Being involved with this other man, he thought, how would she ever be interested in me? Jed almost talked himself out of the at­tempt to meet her. But an opportunity finally came after two hours of agony that he was going through when he moved with more courage into the foyer where coffee and donuts were being served and where this most impor­tant social event would take place for him.

         There was an informal structure about the break time in these rehearsals where it was common that people mingled and this social contact took place. There were many single women working in Arabia so they, especial­ly, were craving for contact with avail­able single men Because their jobs and their living quarters were usually guarded and protect­ed from outside viola­tions this gave them little or no contact with the outside world.

         Jed did not have any close friend that he normally hung out with during the social breaks, so as usual, he moved around the crowd, talked to people rather randomly and felt miserable and uncom­fortable with this kind of social scene most of the time. This night while he milled around, howev­er, he saw the people with whom this woman had been talking dissipate, so he moved in. The man she came in with was not with her. When she walked to the snack counter to refill her coffee cup, Jed broke in and offered to pour her coffee. She accepted and he introduced myself. She said her name was Sara Schell. This was one rare time that Jed knew he wouldn't forget this person’s name.

         That first brief meeting started a series of conversations Jed and Sara would have over the next two or three practices at the Hotel. Each time he saw her she seemed to come and leave with the gentle­man with whom he had seen her when she first started to come to the practices, so Jed continued to assume she was in some kind of rela­tionship with the man. Despite that, she was friendly with Jed and he was able to learn that she was single, that her home was in Salem Oregon, that she loved the out-of-doors and she loved to travel. Initially Jed never got the courage to talk to her about this man that brought her to the hotel. He learned also that she was in her first few months of a two year contract to work as a nurse in the Military Hospital.

         About the third or fourth time Jed spoke to Sara he invited her to spend a day with him on a picnic in the Arbor Valley, a special place that had some unusual geologic formations that was a favorite place for rock hounds. She had not heard of this intrigu­ing expatriate pastime and said she would love to go. However, the weekend he had chosen was not good for her, so she asked him for a “rain-check.” Jed wanted to think of something else that would fit her schedule better, but was unable to at the time.

         It was nearing Christmas when Jed finally had an opportunity to officially ask her for a date. By then he had learned she had been divorced when she was very young, and that the man who brought her to the practices was simply a person that worked in the hospital who had offered her the ride. Their date was to be at one of the club member’s house where a Christmas Party was being held, so Jed suggested he would pick her up at the hospital compound. She agreed with the time but explained the difficulty she had in getting out of her com­pound at the hospital where she lived. Rather than at the hospital, Jed would pick her up at a local grocery store. He was used to those kinds of arrangements having for almost a year gone through all sorts of pickup configu­rations with other women that were constantly looking for ways to "escape" from their com­pounds to go to shopping in the local markets or to just get away for a while.

         The first time he picked Sara up was relative­ly easy. She took the hospital bus to the local grocery store, met him there and we went directly to the party. This was all necessary because of the restric­tions that all the expatriate women that worked at the hospital were under. Women were not al­lowed to drive cars. All single expatri­ate wom­en had to live in com­pounds behind guard­ed gates and their movements were strictly moni­tored. Furthermore, single women, by law, were disallowed from riding alone in cars with married or single men, and were not al­lowed to date. They were even separated from families and single men on the city busses that were parti­tioned front and back so the women could sit by them­selves. Women that wanted to, how­ever, found ways around the system that did not draw attention to them and that were safe. Picking up Sara at the grocery store was only one of the discrete means of contact with the opposite sex in that country.

         Jed and Sara went to the party and had a wonder­ful time. Including travel time and the time at the party, they spent at least four hours together that night. After that Jed felt strongly com­mitted to having a long-term relation­ship with Sara and was determined somehow to make that happen. Christmas Holidays came between their seeing each other after the party for at least one and one-half months. They both returned to the States for vaca­tion for a month. When Jed re­turned, arrangements had been made for him to move into another home across town from where he had lived the first year. He would have the house all to his own this time since his old roommate had gone home during the Christmas Vacation and never returned. This new home in the International Compound put Jed only five kilome­ters from the Government Hospital where Sara worked and lived. Also, by a coincidence that had occurred during our Christmas Holidays, about fifty women that worked at the same hospital where Sara worked because of a housing shortage in the Hospital Compound had been moved to several of the large homes in the International Com­pound. Regular bus service had been set up between the hospital and the compound to get these wom­en to and from work. This made it much more convenient to meet Sara, so Jed set things up to have their meetings happen on a more fre­quent basis. When there was an opportunity, she would take the bus to the International Compound as if she lived there or had friends there, and Jed would meet her at the bus stop just inside the gate and they would walk to his house a few blocks away. The International Compound was a huge place with over one hundred and forty western-style homes and a Commons House that was the Compound Administration Building and Recreation area.

         Over the next few weeks after their return from holiday, Jed’s and Sara’s contacts became more fre­quent. Since he had learned that Sara’s so called “relationship” with the other man was only a convenience to her because he worked at the hospi­tal, had a car and played tennis. Beyond that, she had no inter­est in the man. Her interest in Jed, however, appeared to be quite strong. With him living in the new International Compound, they were able to meet each week when they either stayed at his place or went to the Recreation Area where they played tennis or went swimming. On at least three or four occasions just after the Christmas Holidays they met for dinner at Jed’s house, met at the pool in his compound or went out for din­ner. One night at his house, Jed served dinner then they danced for the rest of the evening in his kitchen. Albeit, while their relationship over the first couple of months of the New Year became quite roman­tic, it never included more intimate than a parting kiss.

         Before and during this time that things were developing between Sara and Jed, Jed was experiencing a separate dynamic period of his life. He had been divorced for over a year, but had been jacked around into believing his relation­ship with his ex-wife, was going to take off again. He was of course free to have another relationship and had done so for the first few months of his stay in the country. While living in the first place, a smaller compound on the west side of the city, he had met and been with Doris who was also working in a different Government Hospital than the one where Sara worked. Moving across town to this new compound had also brought his relation­ship with Doris almost to a halt since he no longer lived nearby where she could call him for ride into town or just to get away from her restrictive work and living environment. They were still friends and talked to each other frequently, but she was by then dating another man she had met at work, and when Jed moved across town it seemed quite natural to break off the relationship with her. The need to do that was partly because of her needs to be free of their relationship because of this other man, and the fact Jed lived at least twenty kilome­ters away now that he was in his new home in the International Compound. She and Jed had agreed months earlier to create a space between their relationships and were well into that process when he met Sara, but the other matter with his ex-wife was still not fully resolved. 

         For about three months after the New Year Jed didn't really know how to handle this exciting, devel­oping rela­tion­ship with Sara. For the previous several months, his ex-wife and he had been negotiating back and forth through letters and calls about getting back to­gether again. The visit he had made back in the States during Christmas when he had been with his ex-wife and their children had been the factor that set this negotiation off again. This was another signifi­cant drama in its own. But be­cause of these interac­tions with his ex-wife that had gone from her coming over to Arabia to get married again to them getting remarried when he returned from his assignment there, Jed was totally con­fused about how to develop anything more lasting with Sara. He had grown to like Sara a great deal but in a way felt this need to stay aligned with his ex-wife, just in case.  In late April, howev­er, Jed got word from home that his ex-wife had decided that there was "no option for re-marriage." There seemed to be no further concession from her statement. The door finally opened up to get some­thing serious going with Sara.

         In all those months Jed had known Sara, up through April of that year she had seemed genuinely interested in him and there was no reason to believe that their relation­ship would not grow and prosper, given a chance. They had even discussed what it might be like getting together in the States after their contracts in Arabia were completed. But all at once, sometime in May, Sara disappeared out of the picture. She quit calling Jed like she had been doing occasional­ly and she also stopped coming over to the International Compound, which she did occasionally just to get away from the Hospital Compound. This was unusual for her since Jed had observed from her actions that she was a strongly committed person that always kept her word and dedication to what she was about. It was like she had fallen off the face of the earth.

         Jed was not concerned so much the first couple of weeks after she terminated their regular contacts. When he was hanging out with Doris before he met Sara, on occasions she had gotten bogged down in her work and disap­peared for days at a time, so Jed believed the same had occurred with Sara. But by the third week of her disappearance he really be­came dis­turbed. She had missed three practices at the Hotel and he hadn’t seen the man she usually came with, so that continued to puzzle him. She didn't have a phone in her apart­ment either and Jed didn't know anyone else that might know how to con­tact her. In the past when he wanted to talk to her she had either called him or he saw her at the rehearsals. A month went by before Jed was able to find out anything. A doctor Jed knew that worked at her hospi­tal told him he would try to find something out about Sara, but warned him it was very difficult. Anoth­er week went by then Jed’s doctor friend told him he had learned that Sara had been sick and had been hospitalized for a time. He did not know why. About that same time on a chance visit he had with Doris she told Jed she had seen Sara being brought into her hospital in an ambulance. She hadn't been able to talk to her but had learned she had been coming there every week for over a month getting blood therapy done. She would arrive in an ambu­lance, and in an all-day process have all her blood removed and purged to remove the virus or whatever it was from her blood. Doris said the blood treatment could only be done at her hospital and that was the reason she had been coming there. Later Jed’s doctor friend got a phone number for one of Sara’s co-workers and he was able to get the entirety of the story.

         He learned that Sara had been home for a while after the initial several weeks in the hospital but was back in for other treat­ments after the blood work was done. This woman told Jed how to get in touch with Sara at the Government Hospi­tal where she was a patient. Getting into this Military Hospital was no easy task, but from his doctor friend he found out how to get in and find out Sara’s status. Sadly as it turned out he learned that she would be in intensive care there for several more weeks and couldn’t have any visitors. It was pretty depress­ing for Jed by then since he had less than a month to go before being released to go home. Sara’s contract was to go another year before she would be able to return to the States. Finally he was able to call Sara and in two subse­quent short visits to her hospital room later he learned that she had almost lost her life during the bout with this rare blood disease. She had been so sick, in fact, she had not even wanted to talk to anyone. Jed and she talked at length on his second visit to the hospital. She was much stronger and would be getting out in a few days. She said she would be walking to regain her strength and hoped Jed would be able to join her perhaps on a walk before he left the country.

         There had never been a time in Jed’s life that he remembered going through such torment like the last few months he spent working in this Arabia. After learn­ing of Sara's disability and suffering first in a belief her disappearance was somehow linked with their rela­tionship, Jed was devastated. It seemed hopeless they would ever be able to have any of the promise of a relationship their earlier contacts had created. Jed would be going home in a few weeks and Sara would be stay­ing at least another year before she returned to her own home. Day after day Jed sat around with hopeless, lost feelings that he would leave the country and that would be the end of their relation­ship.

         One week before his departure, Sara called him at his home at the International Compound and asked if he could meet her at her compound for a walk. They were not allowed to meet in her apart­ment, but in the weeks he had known her he had found a way to get inside the large com­pound with his car and had been suc­cessful in meeting Sara once at the com­pound restaurant and to go to a play in the theater with her . . . he would be able to get in this time, too, he promised her.

         As scheduled, Jed met Sara outside her living quarters and they started a long walk around the compound's perimeter wall. While they walked Jed felt confused and empty. It was like he was walking away from a friendship and a budding love affair that he never wanted to be closed. He had come to cherish it by then. Jed was not able to restrain his emotions about it while they walked. But be­cause of the social restraints and the chance of being caught and jailed, Jed was not even able to hold Sara’s hand while they strolled along. It was like having a glass wall between them. They could communicate and see each other, but they could not touch or in any other way physically show their emotions or feelings. Jed could tell by Sara’s tears and apparent sadness, she was feeling the same as he was.

         With their stroll around the compound cut short by her weakened condition they parted company after no more than an hour together. That had been the first time Jed had seen Sara for over two weeks when they met for a walk after she was released from the hospital. Walking away from her when she mounted the steps to her apart­ment that day felt like nothing Jed had ever experi­enced before. Before he left her compound they planned to meet in her parking lot one more time before Jed departed. She was sure she would be too weak to leave the com­pound, and she said she had better limit their visit to just one more time because of the risk to both of them if they got caught. Just being alone with her during their walk that evening had been an extremely high risk adventure for them and they both agreed that it was not necessary to take any more risk.

         One day before his departure Jed and Sara met again for that last time in the parking lot next to her apartment. It was a short visit. She was waiting for him under the awning by the apartment and their meeting lasted no more than fifteen minutes at most. They both cried. When they tried to talk while they stood at arm's length having only eye contact, it was a profound moment. Jed asked her to write to him after he left. She said she would. Those last moments they were together was one of the most difficult times Jed could remember ever having. When their time was up Jed got back into his car. She then leaned down to the open win­dow and said, "I owe you the hug I was unable to give you. Some­time we will meet again and I will pay my debt." Jed then drove off without look­ing back. It was the summer of their part­ing; this season was over. As he drove down the highway back to the International Compound he wondered if I would ever see her again. He knew he would always hope for it.

         Sara fulfilled the terms of her con­tract and parted Arabia for Oregon in May the next year after Jed left there. They had written on many occa­sions during the passing year. In all his letters, Jed expressed his love for Sara and begged her to consider coming to my Denver, at least for a visit, after her return to Oregon.  Her letters before she departed the country had been short and newsy and un-committal. Jed remained hopeful but perplexed at her constraint. Not once in her letters did she even mention com­ing to visit him. Her last letter to Jed before her departure was vague about her plans. Jed got the impression he would never see her again, much less hear from her on her return. With heartache and lack of hope, Jed attempted to write the affair off after that last letter, but could not repress his desire to see Sara again.

         Well over a month after her return to the States, Jed got a surprise call from Sara from her sister's place in California. After an exciting few moments hearing about her return and her visits around to California with friends and family, she said, "Is your offer to have me visit with you still open?"

         Jed hadn't even thought that would be an option, but he jumped at the chance and set the visit for the holiday period over the Fourth of July. His consult­ing work was slow so the timing was good for him and she, too, agreed to a short visit in July. The next few weeks for Jed were like a shot in the arm. How could I be so fortu­nate? he thought. Just to see Sara again was enough. However, Jed tried not to get his hopes up too high for anything beyond a short visit.

         Jed’s impressions when Sara walked up the jet way leading out of the airplane at the Denver Airport were beyond description. She had a long colorful skirt on and a silky, low-cut blouse. Her dark hair flowed longer than he had remembered it. He had never seen her dressed this way while she was working at the Military Hospital since the standard for expatiate wom­en was long dresses with long sleeves . . . any­thing but sexy. Seeing her this way was wonderful. When they met with people still passing by, Jed and Sara embraced long and intimate­ly, and then she whispered this in his ear, "I owed you this from our parting in Jeddah."

         In the time since he left the country and Sara's arrival at the airport that day Jed had almost given up hope that he would ever see Sara again. This encounter only a few weeks after her arrival in the States surprised and encouraged him. The delicate strings of life life were doing something to his confidence and com­mitment to the future. Come my way, they were saying, and hearken to the desirous bounty beyond. In this case the "bounty" Jed hoped would manifest itself was when Sara saw the mountains near where he lived in the foothills near Denver, when she dawned her hiking boots and put a pack on her back for a stride to Long Lake in the Indian Peaks Wilderness Area. Passing through, she would be caught in his web for a spell and his agenda would be served.

         Jed had prepared well for Sara's arriv­al. A separate room was ready in his house, he had several camping and hiking alternatives ready for consider­ation and had even written for a permit to hike into some of the remote lakes in the Wilderness Area. His car and camping gear were ready, he had purchased a second mountain bike that she could ride, and had set things up for an almost immedi­ate depar­ture into the wilderness area where he planned to take her. Jed was counting on her being ready for such an adventure, and he wasn’t disappointed when he told her of his plans. Jed was torn between his hopes and expec­tations for the days ahead. On one hand he had only known Sara for that short time in Arabia and through their letters after he left, so his expectations were that this period of time togeth­er would only be a chance to get to know each other, have a fun time and let be what came of our encoun­ter. Jed’s hopes were on a much grander scale, especially realizing she had come all this way with no other agenda other than to be with him. Jed had this vision of a rela­tionship that was loving, was intimate and that was per­manent. He shrugged off most of his hopes for the moment, however. He was so excited to see Sara, to talk to her and be with her for this period most of the rest of his life went on hold.       

         Jed and Sara relaxed and talked through the eve­ning after her arrival. Jed’s married children came around to meet Sara and that was exciting for him. And initially the three children that still lived with Jed seemed excited to meet Sara. But mostly, they just talked about their plans for the next days ahead. Jed had no work to worry about so his next two weeks at a minimum were free. Sara was open to how long she would stay, but had tentatively planned to stay only a week. She seemed to like the idea of camping in the wilderness area Jed had told her about, and spending most of their time hiking and riding bikes, so the very next morn­ing after her arrival they set out for Beaver Creek Campground in the Wilderness area—a very remote camp­site Jed had been to on several other occasions. The Fourth of July weekend was over, so there was no difficulty in finding a very nice campsite in the small campground. Later photos that Jed took of this time chronicled their various stopping places, their campsite and the hike later to the remote Long Lake. The photos also showed the smiles and the fun they had during that time. What they didn't capture was the surprises Jed would encounter in intimacies that occurred between he and Sara and the manner in which he handled them.

         The interweaving of Jed’s web in life had all the skeletons of his past attached to it. Spun like cocoons, hanging limply, well within view and his memory, were these hollow vestiges of his previous married life. In the back­ground of his mind he continued to hold onto his severed relation­ship with his ex-wife. Along with wonderful memories that he remembered from their marriage were the more recent memo­ries where his ex-wife’s accusations of him as an insensitive and non-caring man that had been at the core of his divorce. Along with that was his attachment to the twenty-two years his ex-wife and he had been to­gether and the love and respect he had felt for her during those years. Despite the fact that he had been divorced for over two years he was still carrying around that old baggage. These were remnants of his past hung there on his web with fright­ening reality and believ­abili­ty.

         One more visible and tangible impli­cation of his current situation with Sara was something they had talked about when they first became acquainted. It was his on-going belief that he had an undeni­able testimony in his Church that he knew ran contrary to hers. So there he was again, faced with this grandi­ose hope for a new and long-term relationship with a wom­an who cared for him (at least some, he be­lieved), who was not and never would be a member of his Church, and still he was cleaving to all these past memo­ries, prom­is­es, loyalties and beliefs in his own religion. Jed wondered every moment how they might affect his rela­tion­ship with Sara, and in doing so set the process for failure of their relationship in motion from the first instant we were together again.

         Jed believed Sara did not understand all he was bringing into this new relationship. He knew this and felt an obligation to clear this up for her in some manner. He knew that since she had no current affiliation with any church, she would have a very hard time under­standing all in that realm to which he was at­tached. He also believed she knew little of the guilt, loyalties and other baggage Jed held in his mind with regard to his earlier marriage. All this, Jed thought, had to be ex­plained.

         The process of explanation began almost at the moment of arrival at the forest camp. It was intense. First Jed "interviewed" Sara (at least that's what she said it reminded her of) while they puttered around camp and took bike rides throughout the day. One moment he would be asking Sara questions and the next moment he would be back to revealing bits and pieces of his life and the consider­ations he had about past things in his life. This went on well past dinner time while Jed and Sara sat near a fire swatting bugs before retiring to their tent for the night. Sara was a good and attentive listener, and heard Jed’s words without much comment or apparent emotion. When the evening was over, Jed felt like he had touched her heart with his honesty and openness.

         Since Jed’s expectations (not hopes) were very low about having any intimate relations with a woman he hardly knew, Jed pre­pared their separate beds in a manner that would suggest he sincerely had no expectations for what might happen when they bedded down for the night. Jed was first to retire to his sleeping bag. As his modesty would dictate, with the Coleman Lan­tern still filling the tent with its glare, Jed crawled into his bag, and there slipped out of his outer clothing for the night. It was a cool evening since they were camping over eight thousand feet in elevation and the sleeping bag felt very comfortable.

         Sara did much the same. With no more cere­mony that one might expect a woman to demonstrate with a man about whom she knew very little Bar­bara began to take off her clothes to get ready for bed. Then to Jed’s surprise, Sara asked if the sleeping bags he had brought for this occasion zipped together. They did, and soon the two of them were bunked into a loving and endearing huddle. The details of what followed that night can rightfully be skipped in saying they were tender, loving and delightful to some degree. Still within him, however, was the duffle bag full of his old baggage, his guilt and his fears. These never left Jed and influ­enced all he did while the time moved ahead with Sara and as their relation­ship trembled on his web of life.

         Barbara loved the forest camp and the general area so well over the next few days that included fun times hiking, swimming, bathing in the river, frolicking in their tent, eating at a gourmet dishes they prepared on the Coleman stove and watching the wildlife, that she decided to extend her stay a full two weeks.

         They re­turned home after a week of camping. By the end of the second week and partly on Jed’s continued insistence, Sara had looked for work in the area and had made up her mind to return to Oregon for a short time, put things in order there, rent out her home again, move and take up residence with Jed. He could never have even dreamed or hoped for such an opportunity as this. It held such promise he had no doubt upon its pending suc­cess. There was no discussion about making the move permanent with marriage. Quite the opposite. Sara made it clear to Jed that we would be living together on a trial basis as an un-married couple.

         Jed’s next few weeks were devoted to working round the house to make it ready for Barbara, traveling to do some consulting and preparing his three children that still lived with him and the rest of my family for this new thing in his life . . . to live with a woman to whom he was not going to be married. In all that he had learned and practiced in his religion for most of his adult life, living with a woman out of wedlock was absolutely out of bounds. It went against everything he had ever believed or even remotely consid­ered. For his older children, especially, it was a slap on the face and one that would be hard if not impossi­ble for them to accept. Jed, however, was still holding to the tenets of the Church, so there again he was going against the grain and was "risk­ing" ex­communica­tion or dis-fellowship for this impending moral sin. Jed had never before faced such a challenge . . . how to maintain his status in the Church, remain "wor­thy" and continue to have the respect of his children. While Jed pon­dered the many ques­tions he had about the matter he justi­fied them all in his mind and believed he could manage them all without difficulty, shame or guilt . . . in other words Jed would ignore the issues for the time being. It was an impossible challenge and Jed was completely fooling myself.

         At the same time that all this process was going on in regard to his relationship with Sara, Jed was just entering into a new and dramatic era of my life. He didn't know it at the time, but what he was about would change his entire attitude about virtually everything that was going on in his life. Just before Sara’s arrival in Denver, while working with a small consult­ing firm in the City, Jed had come to know and respect a colleague that had influ­enced him into going to a transitional train­ing program called Life­spring. His friend was heavi­ly involved in this program and insisted that if he got involved too, there would be opportuni­ties there for much personal growth. Not knowing any more than what he had learned from a short enrollment presentation Jed attend­ed, he put his money on the line and enrolled. Jed knew instinc­tively that there were things that were not work­ing well in his life and he felt this pro­gram might bring about some improve­ments. Like many of the other things going on in Jed’s life at the time, how­ever, he was ill-pre­pared for this new inter­vention. Uncon­scious of that, he went for it anyway.

         Jed finished his first four day session in Life­spring before Sara moved in with him. Much of what he dealt with in this program could have had direct application to his impending relation­ship with Sara, but in Jed’s actual perfor­mance in the program he glossed over all he could have gained by creating a new pro­gram for himself that allowed him to hold on to all he had while saying he was throwing it all away. It was for him one of the great­est personal subversions of his life.

         When Sara’s day to leave her home in Oregon and come to live with Jed finally arrived he flew to Portland where she would meet him and take him down to Salem. His intent was to assist her in final prepara­tions for departure and to accom­pany her by car to his home. Jed had convinced himself and had full confi­dence he was really . . . actually fully prepared for this new interces­sion into his life. Meeting at the airport was a reversal of his meeting of Sara at the Denver Airport. They hugged and commented on their decision to meet that way and walked hand in hand out of the airport to Sara’s car. The trip to Salem gave them time to get acquainted again and pass on news of current matters. On their arrival in Salem and traveling around town visiting with Sara’s friends on his day of arrival in Salem, they found ourselves in her friend's upstairs bedroom where they would spend the night before leaving the next morn­ing for Denver. By then she had already leased her home to a family and had moved out temporarily to live at her friend’s home until she moved. Every­thing was primed for a romantic and intimate evening . . . a perfect beginning to our new and excit­ing time ahead, Jed thought. The setting and ambiance for this evening could not have been more per­fect. In the dimmed light of the room Jed and Sara prepared to go to bed. Jed was overly excited for the oppor­tunity for a longed-for night of intimacy. It seemed the perfect time and place for this.

         In a desperate last moment, how­ever, Jed hovered around and exam­ined his guilt and doubt about what he was getting myself into. All the reminders of his obligations, promises and harbored beliefs hit him in the face at once, discharging their terrible wrath upon his behav­ior. They won, hands down. Jed was the captive of his own past, of his contrition and uncer­tainty, and he ran to the corner of his web. Sara’s failure to understand or even come close to compre­hend­ing this complica­tion in his life left her angry and frustrated at first, but then in a behavior Jed would see in her over and over again in the next ten months, she relaxed, composed herself and took his diffidence in stride with kind­ness, and more love and under­stand­ing than he had ever experi­enced with any­one in my life.

         This was his next major surprise with Sara. He would soon learn that she had an extraor­dinary gift of sensitivity that cap­tured his heart, made him love her all the more, and sadly allowed him to continue to justify within himself all the behaviors and attitudes about his past that were keeping him stuck. Because of her ten­derness that made what he was unable to do okay, he was totally convinced he was okay, and that soon the solution to his ills would some­how, miracu­lously appear. This be­came another great sellout in his life. He did noth­ing about what was hitting him daily with its re­minders of dysfunction.

         After Sara’s and his dramatic trip the thousand or so miles to Jed’s home that consisted of three days of con­stant debate and discussion about how they were going to live and share their lives, they finally arrived at Jed’s home in  Denver to settle into a somewhat nor­mal life together. She soon landed a job. Her furniture arrived and Jed placed it around his house to give her the comfort of living amongst some of her familiar stuff and they began to live their lives a day at a time. Jed’s consulting work increased, so money was avail­able to do much of what they needed to do to run the household. Jed went on to a higher level of Life­spring training that was enjoy­able and challeng­ing. His family, at least on the surface, welcomed Sara. In all, things seemed to take off remark­ably smooth.

         While Jed attended the second and later the third Life­spring trainings he was continually being con­fronted with himself. It was like he was stand­ing there on his spider’s web and it was shak­ing, and he believed it was trem­bling from some outside influence. Jed, how­ever, was the shaker and would not admit to it even though all the signs pointed to him. Blindly he walked about going from string to string intellect­ualiz­ing all he heard and said, adapting his life to its new inventions and taking on this new and advanced lifestyle with "ease" . . . calculated and never, never trem­bling and causing his web to shake. Jed believed he was more solid in his convictions than he had ever been. He was ego-driven, and was managing his life quite well . . . he told myself.

         Around Jed life went on with its compli­cations and intricacies. Hardly ever noticing, Jed failed to understand Sara’s continual support­ive acknowl­edgement to his lack of sensitivity to their budding romance . . . that things were getting lost and they were not becoming better like he had hoped. Jed failed too, to realize that his continued loyalty to his religious "beliefs" were superficial and point­less. As an example, he continued to be active in his church, not even realizing while Sara sat home that he was effectively cutting her out of his life. He never viewed her increas­ing sad­ness as an indication or result of his core insensi­tivity. Try as he could to comfort her in sever­al areas of her life, he never realized how ineffectual all he was doing really was.

         One evening, months along in their quest for a lasting and complete life, Sara and Jed were sitting in the bedroom talking when she asked him what he believed in with regard to his Church that caused him to be so loyal to its tenets. It was a profound question . . . one Jed had never bothered to ask himself. In fact, he would never have even thought of the question from the place he was operating vis-à-vis the Church. He just did things and never ques­tioned their validity regarding his own true self. He went to church, he pledged his loyalty and bore his testimony with grand articu­la­tion. Jed had done this same thing for years. He had done it unquestion­ingly. He had done it be­cause he felt it was the "right thing to do." But the debilitating part of it was that he had done it for someone else, not himself. No matter that he never felt "a burning within his bosom;" that he never felt the strength from what he acted out, like he falsely testified he did. No matter that he was in reality outside of this realm to which he attached such loyalty. No matter that he had lived for years with the expec­tation that as long as he did what he should his “blessings would follow." Sure, he had plenty of "bless­ings." He thanked his “Heavenly Father” in prayers every day for them. He even encour­aged his children to do the same. He prayed at the dinner table, even when Sara sat there with a puzzled but accepting look on her face. He did the same at bed­time. He prayed alone and secretly like he knew he should. It was all part of his life. He used to say it was a "way of life." But when this question was posed to him that day by Sara he had no real answer. He muddled through one for her sake, but he believed she knew he had no answer. She knew him better than anyone ever had, it was certain.

         After that awesome awakening Jed pondered the question only a short time before he realized he had no real answers, but he knew he had to take some stand in this regard. His major wake-up call was finally about to arrive. It was during his third Lifespring event when the “call” was shout­ed to him. However, he heard it only faintly during the last part of that third Lifespring session. It would be years later that he would really hear the message loud and clear. During the latter year and one half of his marriage while his wife and he were in Marriage Counseling he had received the same mes­sage and never responded to it. Yes, he saw the shaking of the web in all in­stances, but it was not until that fateful fall evening when Sara said, “I’ve decided I need to return to my home in Oregon . . .” that his wakeup call was truly understood.

         Unfortunately, Jed’s ingrained and strati­fied behaviors and attitude had now caused a major fault in another relationship and he hardly knew why it was happening. He had a basic fault that was keeping him stuck in every facet of his life and he recognized it only as a minor implication and accepted its existence at every turn. He believed it was Sara that had seen it clearly; more than anyone else that had been involved in his life up to then. She may not even have known it, but it was there in her actions toward him.

         At that point, however, it was too late to consider redress. Other things were not working well for Sara. One of those things was Jed’s family. Each of them in their way was reject­ing her and even setting up things to make her life more difficult. This was occurring mostly with Jed’s older daughter that lived in the house with them and who herself was experiencing some pretty traumatic things at that time. Secondly, Sara's work was also a loss for her. She had skills far beyond those recognized or acknowl­edged among her col­leagues. This caused her working days to be misera­ble. Third, her out­side recreational needs (i.e., dancing, sports, hiking, bike-riding, etc.) were less than met. Every­thing was an uphill battle for her.

         When Jed had time to logically consider Sara’s side of her reason for leaving, he was not surprised. But he was still shocked and very dis­heartened by her move, until he was able to open up his eyes to some of the reali­ties and truth about his life and how it was being an influence in Sara's decision to leave.  “I've decided to return to my home in Oregon . . .” became a reality with Jed several days after it was announced. Acknowledgement of the impact of it all came months later when she had actually left for good.

         Whenever Jed saw a spider's web anywhere, any­time it was a grim reminder of a time of loss in his life; yet he knew it is just a clue to the richness of his experi­ences, of the op­portuni­ties he had to learn and grow and of the love he had in his life that made him vibrant and alive for a time. What this suggested to Jed was that life is never over with the parting of a summer's web by the depar­ture of the spider and the pounding waves of wind and snow that ultimately destroy that web. It re­minded Jed that spring is just around the corner and another tiny spider will emerge from its winter nest or will hatch­ from some small egg. Its path is quickly measured when its mighty web is strung between the bran­ches of some bush and the spider stands in wait for trembling infrac­tions into its space. Jed was reminded of his true "bless­ing" while he waited poised to live and love again.